For many years, I always thought something was wrong with me because I did not connect with so many aspects of society. I did not fit in anywhere - social situations, networking events, companies, or groups of people at what I call “tribal events” (sports games, parties, and community events). For many years, I felt socially crippled in some way. And I tried to “fix” myself, as if something was really wrong with me.
In most cases when I tried to enter “normal” society, I found myself not only detached and miserable but also resentful and bored. Sometimes, I thought it was because I could not relax. Sometimes I thought it was social anxiety. But that did not make sense considering my standup comedy, networking, and public speaking experiences. So what was it?
When I leave such tribal situations, I feel like someone who isn’t getting enough air. As an antidote, I often need a one-on-one conversation, time outside by myself, or a stop someplace anonymous - like a coffee shop or diner. Alone, or maybe with one or two other people. Once that happens, I feel more authentic and myself again.
After 35 years of this struggle, I felt that something settled within me in a much surer way since the road trip. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like I’m more steadfast about who I am, how I spend my time, what I will expend energy on, and what I will let consume my mind. My detachment has strangely lost all negativity and bitterness. I used to feel bitter about what divided me from society. Now, I accept and even embrace it.
Because I’m not really divided from society, am I? Turns out, I just have a different role - that I’ve long fought against taking on.
The reason I detach so much from what’s around me is because I find joy in the searching and journeying of life. I don’t really have an end goal or objective. I fought the label of simply being a “searcher” or a “seeker” for many many years. In my early twenties, I wanted to be a specific somebody with specific ambition. A clear passion for something where I could say, “See! I’m a [writer/editor/blogger/thought leader/insert-title-here].” And many of us want that because we are taught to be that way from school, community, and the media. We are taught to be ambitious, or you’re a failure.
But I learned the hard way that becoming a Specific Somebody was not in my nature. I’ve often said that if I was religious, I might have become a priest. I am drawn to the searching, seeking, spiritual sides of life. To me, each day presents its own mystery and wonder. I am not a “schemer,” as the Joker would say in the Dark Knight. I don’t care anymore about plotting a career, publishing a novel, or applying the seven habits of highly effective people.
While I now accept that philosophy with peace and positivity, I once felt that those feelings were unnatural and wrong. Lazy and unambitious. Last year, a professor of mine from Kent State University said this to me in an email: “Why not admit that your passion is "searching"--being inquisitive about everything. That shines through your letter. And being curious is no small feat. I think everyone (at least everyone I know) has dreams that may not match the reality of a situation, but that doesn’t mean that situations can't change.”
In other words, he points out that we often feel the need to define ourselves early by accomplishments. “I’m a writer!” (Which means if you fail to publish, then you’re a failed writer). “I’m a blogger!” (Which means if you stop blogging, then you’re a failed blogger). Sometimes, it takes a long time to find a passion that will stay with you despite any ups and downs.
To be fair, I do enjoy the business writing and analysis that I am able to provide to companies. And it’s had the side benefit of feeding me for 10 years and connecting me to some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. But in the 2000s, I had added other ambitious goals to my plate that I “failed” to achieve: publish a novel by age 30, become an Atlanta blogging thought leader, be “known” for something. It depressed me at 35 that those goals and objectives never quite came to fruition.
Now, I believe my life is less about goals, objectives, or planning, and more about themes or areas to spend time. Yes, it does include work - but not in the way I used to view work. Yes, it does include writing - but not in the way I used to view writing. The goals and ambition are gone, replaced instead with a sense of searching. And I still write fiction, I still blog, and I still create - only those activities are now avenues I can use to search and explore, rather than to plan, plot, and scheme.
As you know, I have a tendency to write really long blog posts, so I’m disciplining myself to break up about 5,000 words of thoughts into a few shorter posts. Since I haven’t blogged in a while, I hope you enjoy some of these musings. I’m at a point where the thoughts and reactions of my friends - as we all continue this journey together - become more and more important. I might spur the discussion by throwing out some thoughts - but the best insights always come from you.
Stay tuned for another post to follow soon.
In most cases when I tried to enter “normal” society, I found myself not only detached and miserable but also resentful and bored. Sometimes, I thought it was because I could not relax. Sometimes I thought it was social anxiety. But that did not make sense considering my standup comedy, networking, and public speaking experiences. So what was it?
When I leave such tribal situations, I feel like someone who isn’t getting enough air. As an antidote, I often need a one-on-one conversation, time outside by myself, or a stop someplace anonymous - like a coffee shop or diner. Alone, or maybe with one or two other people. Once that happens, I feel more authentic and myself again.
After 35 years of this struggle, I felt that something settled within me in a much surer way since the road trip. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like I’m more steadfast about who I am, how I spend my time, what I will expend energy on, and what I will let consume my mind. My detachment has strangely lost all negativity and bitterness. I used to feel bitter about what divided me from society. Now, I accept and even embrace it.
Because I’m not really divided from society, am I? Turns out, I just have a different role - that I’ve long fought against taking on.
The reason I detach so much from what’s around me is because I find joy in the searching and journeying of life. I don’t really have an end goal or objective. I fought the label of simply being a “searcher” or a “seeker” for many many years. In my early twenties, I wanted to be a specific somebody with specific ambition. A clear passion for something where I could say, “See! I’m a [writer/editor/blogger/thought leader/insert-title-here].” And many of us want that because we are taught to be that way from school, community, and the media. We are taught to be ambitious, or you’re a failure.
But I learned the hard way that becoming a Specific Somebody was not in my nature. I’ve often said that if I was religious, I might have become a priest. I am drawn to the searching, seeking, spiritual sides of life. To me, each day presents its own mystery and wonder. I am not a “schemer,” as the Joker would say in the Dark Knight. I don’t care anymore about plotting a career, publishing a novel, or applying the seven habits of highly effective people.
While I now accept that philosophy with peace and positivity, I once felt that those feelings were unnatural and wrong. Lazy and unambitious. Last year, a professor of mine from Kent State University said this to me in an email: “Why not admit that your passion is "searching"--being inquisitive about everything. That shines through your letter. And being curious is no small feat. I think everyone (at least everyone I know) has dreams that may not match the reality of a situation, but that doesn’t mean that situations can't change.”
In other words, he points out that we often feel the need to define ourselves early by accomplishments. “I’m a writer!” (Which means if you fail to publish, then you’re a failed writer). “I’m a blogger!” (Which means if you stop blogging, then you’re a failed blogger). Sometimes, it takes a long time to find a passion that will stay with you despite any ups and downs.
To be fair, I do enjoy the business writing and analysis that I am able to provide to companies. And it’s had the side benefit of feeding me for 10 years and connecting me to some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. But in the 2000s, I had added other ambitious goals to my plate that I “failed” to achieve: publish a novel by age 30, become an Atlanta blogging thought leader, be “known” for something. It depressed me at 35 that those goals and objectives never quite came to fruition.
Now, I believe my life is less about goals, objectives, or planning, and more about themes or areas to spend time. Yes, it does include work - but not in the way I used to view work. Yes, it does include writing - but not in the way I used to view writing. The goals and ambition are gone, replaced instead with a sense of searching. And I still write fiction, I still blog, and I still create - only those activities are now avenues I can use to search and explore, rather than to plan, plot, and scheme.
As you know, I have a tendency to write really long blog posts, so I’m disciplining myself to break up about 5,000 words of thoughts into a few shorter posts. Since I haven’t blogged in a while, I hope you enjoy some of these musings. I’m at a point where the thoughts and reactions of my friends - as we all continue this journey together - become more and more important. I might spur the discussion by throwing out some thoughts - but the best insights always come from you.
Stay tuned for another post to follow soon.
Is it wrong to just say yes? Because YES.
Posted by: DelilahSDawson | December 03, 2012 at 11:03 PM
Thanks Delilah! :)
Posted by: shakey503 | December 03, 2012 at 11:10 PM
Reminds me of The Way of Zen by Alan Watts. You'd like it; give it a read and we can catch up and chat about it some time :)
Posted by: Chris Allison | December 04, 2012 at 11:02 AM
One of the cool things about not settling on some specific ambition is that it keeps more doors open. The older I get, the more I feel like every choice I make closes another door, shuts down another option. Part of that is inevitable, what with mortality and linear time, but it sounds like you're on a path that will keep your future more open.
Posted by: Stephanie | December 04, 2012 at 04:25 PM
Chris - I will definitely check that book out. Sounds like a good discussion over a drink!
Stephanie - I feel the same way too. That's why grad school didn't really appeal to me. I could feel the doors closing. Same thing would happen if I went after one career track or started a business. I like to keep things open.
Posted by: shakey503 | December 06, 2012 at 10:36 PM